


The Heart is Hard to Translate

by emquin



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Eddie Goes to Therapy, Eddie centric, Fluff, M/M, One-Shot, buddie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-19 10:35:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22142860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emquin/pseuds/emquin
Summary: In which going to therapy helps Eddie figure out his feelings.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 26
Kudos: 260





	The Heart is Hard to Translate

**Author's Note:**

> This was a plot bunny from the other night. I was thinking about Eddie in therapy and also his conversation with Bobby and so this happened. Enjoy. 
> 
> Title from Florence and the Machine's "All This and Heaven Too" which is absolutely fitting and a gorgeous song.

“So, tell me, Eddie, how does this all fit in with Buck? Why were you so angry at him?”

Therapy was kind of...no, it was stupid. Eddie hated it. He wasn’t good with talking about things and he was especially not good at talking about his feelings. But going to therapy was one of the conditions of being able to keep working after Bobby found out about the fighting. And if Eddie was going to be really honest, he had to admit that there was something to it even if he didn’t feel entirely comfortable being there. 

“Because of the lawsuit,” Eddie said. “It was so dumb. He does stupid stuff like that all the time.”

The therapist, Frank, nodded. “Okay. I get that. But he wanted his job back, right? That’s why he did it.”

“I know,” Eddie said. 

In retrospect, he understood Buck’s side of it a lot more. He understood that Buck wasn’t being selfish or doing it maliciously but that he was doing it out of sheer desperation. Buck had been angry at Bobby and angry at the situation and he’d done the only thing he could think to do. Eddie understood that. He more than understood anger. 

“He didn’t talk to me about it,” Eddie said. “He just — one day we’re hanging out and he’s babysitting my son and then the next I get told by Bobby that I’m not allowed to talk to him and that he’s not allowed to talk to me. He just left us. He left us with no warning and without a care because what he wanted mattered more than anything else that might have been going on.”

“Hmm. So this would have been better if he came to you about it first.”

Eddie shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe. Probably.”

“Except that if he came to you with the idea, you would have told him not to do it. Right? Even if Buck felt that it was the only way he was getting his job back the possibility that you would change his mind was there.”

“The job was always his. He’s on blood thinners...he just had to wait until he didn’t need them anymore. The job was always his.” 

Eddie didn’t understand why they were talking about Buck. He didn’t get the point of it when he and Bobby had already established that his anger and his pain and all the repressed feelings were about Shannon and Shannon’s death. Maybe all the stuff with Buck had been going on at the same time, but it all went back to Shannon. Not Buck.

“So, you were angry with him.”

Eddie nodded. “Yeah.”

“But why did Buck doing that make you so angry? I mean, I get it...he’s your partner at work and you’re close friends. You rely on him for child care—”

Eddie cut Frank off. “I don’t know,” he said. “I just couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand that I couldn’t call him when I needed him and that I couldn’t see him. My son kept asking for him and after the tsunami and everything they went through together I knew Buck was the perfect person to speak to Chris. But I couldn’t call him. I wasn’t allowed to. And somehow, he was okay with that. He made that choice. He didn’t care that he couldn’t call me...he didn’t care about Christopher or his well being. Buck just cared about Buck.”

His therapist wrote something down on his notebook. “But Buck didn’t owe you any of that. He’s not your child’s primary caretaker, he clearly had his own problems to deal with. Including his own trauma from the tsunami.”

“He wasn’t supposed to leave us. He wasn’t supposed to leave me. Not like—”

“Shannon,” Frank finished for him. 

Eddie felt like he’d been punched in the gut. It was all right there. It made absolute sense. It was about Shannon, but it was about Buck too. He’d come to rely on Buck and then Buck wasn’t there anymore and the way that Christopher had asked for him had felt like when Christopher was asking for his mom the first time she left them. Buck left them...it was just like when Shannon did. 

“But he did and he came back. Are you still angry?”

When he thought about it, maybe, but not like before. It was different...more muted. 

“I’m not angry with Buck,” Eddie said. 

“And what is the nature of his role in your life now?” Frank said and he seemed to be scrutinizing Eddie closely. 

“He’s my friend. I work with him,” Eddie said and he had no idea what he was getting at. 

“But in your mind you see him as important in your life as Shannon was and not just yours but your son’s as well. I want you to think about that, Eddie.”

Eddie did think about that. He sort of thought about it a lot. The thing of it was that maybe he’d allowed Buck to become so important in his life that when he wasn’t there it felt like Shannon all over. He’d come to rely on Buck for too much...maybe more than he ever should have at all. But Eddie had never had a friend like Buck before — a best friend. So maybe that’s what it was. Their closeness and how lost he’d felt when he couldn’t reach for his phone and text or call Buck. How in his anger he’d ended up arrested and unable to call the one person that would bail him out no questions asked. Lena had been an option only because she was practically a stranger. Eddie was lucky that he’d had her phone number at all. 

And then, Eddie had to wonder about how he would have felt if anyone else at the 118 did what Buck did. He was friends with Hen in part because Denny and Christopher got along well enough to prompt playdates, but if Hen had been the one in Buck’s shoes...well, Eddie didn’t think he would have been mad at all. Not like with Buck. 

That night, he and Christopher went over to Buck’s place. It was only the second time that they were hanging out outside of work since Buck had returned and Eddie forgave him and Eddie could easily admit that all the therapy in the world could never hold candle to how much better he felt about everything when he was standing next to Buck and when they were together. 

It was all the therapy that Eddie needed. 

Maybe he did need Buck to stop apologizing for everything less. Because he was forgiven and because all of Eddie’s anger...it was misplaced and wrong and it wasn’t because he was angry at Buck at all. More like maybe he had been angry at himself. 

He had another session a week later and he spent a lot of the time between sessions ruminating over all of it. In the meanwhile, Buck was his partner at work and they could work side by side and bump shoulders and share smiles. Some days they went to their separate homes, but other nights they were together at his or Buck’s with Christopher. It was how they belonged, he realized. Together. Him and Buck and Christopher. 

“So, Eddie, did you think about what I said last time?” 

Eddie nodded and he couldn’t help a smile. “I did.”

“And?” 

“I think maybe I love him. I love Buck.”

“Yes. I think so too. And is that cause for panic? Or is that a good thing?”

Therapists asked too many questions. They pried and they wanted to get to the bottom of things and it wasn’t something that Eddie enjoyed. Per Bobby he really only had a few more sessions to go. 

“No. I don’t think it is. I think it makes everything make sense.” 

Eddie just didn’t know if Buck felt the same way or if he could even consider them an option. Hell, Eddie didn’t even know if Buck was attracted to men. Clearly, Eddie was, even if it was a part of himself that he hadn’t thought about for a long time. He’d had a wife and that had eliminated everyone else from his radar, even the gorgeous blue eyed firefighter that made him take a double take the first day they met. 

“And that explains your anger better, doesn’t it? And now, Eddie, I do want to make it clear that what you’re going through cannot be fixed by another person. Buck can’t be the answer to your problems. It isn’t fair to him and it isn’t fair to you. So you love him. But loving him isn’t enough to extinguish all your pain or your anger and the fear of abandonment.” 

“But—”

Frank shook his head. “I can’t say it’s wrong that you’ve figured out how you feel about Buck. I’m completely behind you on that but are you ready to tell him that? Are you ready to find out what that means for him? I don’t want to be negative, Eddie, but if he doesn’t return these feelings, will you feel abandoned again? Will that bring the anger back?”

Eddie didn’t know how to respond. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say. The thing was that Frank only really knew Buck through everything Eddie had told him. He couldn’t know the kind of person that Buck was. Buck wouldn’t leave. Even if he never felt the same way about Eddie, he wouldn’t leave. That wasn’t Buck. 

“He won’t leave,” Eddie said. 

“Why?”

“Because he’s Buck. He doesn’t run away from anything. He fought to get back to his job and to me. I didn’t even realize that’s what it was — I was mad at him over it. He fought to find Christopher during the tsunami. He isn’t Shannon.”

Frank was smiling. “No, he’s not. And it’s clear your faith in him is strong. I think there’s still a lot we can keep discussing. I think everything you’ve gone through has left marks that we can keep working through. I want to keep meeting with you, Eddie, even after our mandated sessions are over.” 

Eddie nodded. Maybe he could keep going to them and he could keep talking through his problems. Frank, after all, had been the one to get Eddie to realize his feelings. 

That afternoon, when he got home he found Christopher curled up with Buck on the couch. They were watching Dumbo of all things — the classic animated version. 

“Daddy! You’re home!” Christopher’s head poked over the top of the couch and Eddie leaned over to give him a quick hug. 

“Hey, kiddo.” 

He managed to kiss Chris’ head as he turned back to the movie. 

“Hey,” Eddie said, looking at Buck. “Where’s Carla?” 

“I was bored so I stopped by. Told her she could go home early if she wanted. I figured I could hang out with Christopher until you got home. How was it?” 

Buck’s head was tipped back on his couch. His lips were turned up into a smile and his eyes were so deeply blue in the light. 

“It was good. Kind of getting the hang of the whole thing,” Eddie said. 

“Oh. That’s good. No more impulses to hit something?” 

“Nope. Not currently.” 

There were other impulses instead. He wanted to reach out and touch Buck’s face and trace his features with his fingers until he could memorize him under touch. He wanted to mess up his hair. He wanted to kiss him and to kiss the birthmark on his eyebrow because he loved the way it stood out on his face, making him just that much more interesting. Eddie wanted to hug him and never let him go. He wanted to grasp his hand. He wanted more than he could ever hope to get.

“Eddie? You alright, man?” 

Eddie blinked. He’d been standing there just staring at Buck. 

“I — yeah, I’m good.”

“Well, you don’t have anything to do right now. Come join us.”

“Yeah, daddy. Come watch the movie.”

Eddie nodded. He dropped his things on the table by the couch and then sat down on Buck’s side. He tried to keep his distance but Chris reached over Buck to grab his hand and so he had to move closer. Their legs were touching and so were their shoulders and Buck’s weight sort of settled into him. It felt right. 

It was later. Much later, after they’d watched another two movies and gotten take-out for dinner, that Eddie realized that any tension that he’d had left over from the therapy session was gone. Any worry about what might happen if he told Buck had dissipated enough that he could consider doing it. 

It was a school night so even though Christopher tried to argue against it, Eddie made him get up and get ready for bed. Buck jumped in to help and wound up reading a quick bedtime story to Christopher once the boy had made it into his bed. 

“Goodnight, buddy,” Buck said. 

“Love you, Buck.” 

“Love you too,” Buck said and his voice was tinged with emotion. 

Christopher would always be braver than him. Eddie had no idea if he could say those three words out loud and directed at Buck. 

“Love you, daddy,” Christopher added after Eddie had kissed his forehead. 

“Goodnight. I love you, kid.” 

“That was something,” Buck said afterwards, back in Eddie’s living room. 

“What can I say, you’ve made an impression on us,” Eddie said. 

“Us?” 

“Yeah,” Eddie said and looking at Buck and how he shifted his feet nervously, it gave Eddie the strength. If he didn’t do this, he would regret it. “I talked about you a lot in therapy.”

“Because you were angry at me?” Buck asked. 

Eddie gave a short nod and then because he thought that standing made the whole thing weird he motioned for Buck to sit and he sat down next to him. They were turned towards each other leaving space between them. Their knees brushed together. 

“I don’t think I was ever really angry at you. I was angry because you weren’t here and it felt like that meant that I wasn’t enough for you because you just went and started that lawsuit and you didn’t even think about talking to me about it first. You didn’t consider me or Christopher in your decision and Frank helped me realize why I felt like I should have had a voice in all of it.”

Buck didn’t seem to know what to say and Eddie didn’t know if he could continue. 

“Ed, you know it was a spur of the moment decision, right? I was angry at Bobby. The lawyer had already put the idea in my head and it made sense. I wasn’t thinking about anything else but the job and getting back to it and to you and everyone else.”

“I know,” Eddie said. “I know.” They’d gone over it enough times. 

“It was me not thinking about anyone. Not because you’re not good enough. That’s — that’s ridiculous. You can’t ever think like that about yourself ever again.”

Eddie let out a sigh. “I guess Shannon did more damage than I ever noticed. Did you know she wanted a divorce? Told me so a few nights before she—”

Buck’s hand had found his and Eddie focused on the touch. It was grounding. It was necessary. It was everything and Eddie wanted to always have the option of holding that hand. 

“It felt like that, when I found out about the lawsuit. Like when Shannon left,” Eddie admitted. 

“It wasn’t about you,” Buck said. “I was just—”

“No, Buck. I know. I know. I don’t blame you for what you did, Buck. I get it. I really do, now. But at the time it hurt and it was because I connected the two things and not being able to talk to you was the last straw in my sanity. I don’t know.”

Buck squeezed his hand. “It was hard for me too. Harder when you kept giving me the cold shoulder.”

“Oh, god. I know. I know. I’m so sorry about it, Buck. I was such an—”

“You were understandably upset, dude. We’re past it.”

Eddie nodded. They could leave it at that. It could be enough. But looking at Buck and knowing that Buck’s hand was on his...Eddie had to tell him. Even if Buck never saw him that way, he couldn’t keep his feelings secret. 

“There’s a reason I felt so strongly. It was my therapist that helped me see it.”

“Yeah?” 

“I, um, it’s because I...I have feelings for you, Buck.”

“You have feelings for me,” Buck said. “Eddie, I—”

Eddie was quick to interrupt. “You don’t have to say anything. Buck, I’ll understand if you don’t—”

Buck’s index finger pressed against his lips and when their eyes met, Eddie could tell that Buck wasn’t upset or angry or any of it. He wasn’t even confused or trying to figure something out. Instead, he was a touch amused and maybe nervous and his lips were quirking up into a smile. 

“You’re more than enough, Eddie. To me, you’re enough. You’re everything.” 

Buck’s finger remained on his lips, so Eddie reached up and grasped Buck’s wrist, pulling his hand away but keeping his hold on Buck’s wrist. “What are you saying?”

“That it’s possible I’ve been in love with you from the first time I saw you.”

“And then you were kind of a jerk?” Eddie asked.

Buck chuckled. “Didn’t really know what to do about it, did I? And, I was a little jealous.”

“A lot.”

Buck scoffed and he looked like he was ready to argue but he shook his head. “That...it doesn’t matter. Is this going to be like this always? Because if you’re going to keep teasing me, then I’ll take it back. Maybe it’s Chim that I love. Maybe I’m only here because of your kid and—”

Eddie loved him. He loved this man that loved him back. And Buck was talking but Eddie was hardly hearing it, so when he leaned forward and pressed their lips together when Buck was mid word, he had no idea what he’d interrupted. Buck kissed him back in less than a second, pressing back into the kiss but letting Eddie lead. Their lips moved together and when Buck’s hand came up to cup Eddie’s jaw, Eddie pressed ever closer, his arms drawing Buck against him until Eddie was pressed into the armrest of the chair and Buck was leaning into him and they just kept kissing and kissing and kissing. 

He loved him. 

Buck loved him back. 

When they were giggling against each other little giddy school children, Eddie felt like everything was finally right. Buck kissed down his jaw and pecked his lips and then his fingers were tracing his cheek bones before they were kissing again. And Eddie never wanted it to end. 

A week later, Eddie told Frank that he told Buck. That Buck loved him back. 

“I’m glad. But, like I said, Eddie, there’s still a lot of work for us to do.”

“I know. I just...I think I’m happy.”

“That’s good. I’m glad. It’s a start for where I’d love for you to be.”

That night, Christopher cuddled between him and Buck. Christopher had insisted that after he was done with his homework that they needed to watch Cinderella. He was on a real Disney classics phase but Eddie didn’t mind. Even with Christopher between them, Buck had reached over and his fingers were a ghost touch on his neck and shoulder. Eddie turned occasionally to grasp his hand and kiss it. 

Things were going to be okay. And maybe the whole therapy thing wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened. But mostly, he was glad for Buck and how much better everything was with Buck at his side.

**Author's Note:**

> I do like to think that eventually Buck ends up going to therapy once all his trauma catches up to him and it happens to be with Frank and Frank already knows way too much about Buck before he even meets him. 
> 
> Let me know what you all thought!   
> And if you liked it, reblog/like it on [on tumblr](https://inawickedlittletown.tumblr.com/post/190095396787/the-heart-is-hard-to-translate-buddie-one-shot)


End file.
